Tears of Love

Some thoughts I've been pondering and can't easily shake off, so I thought I'd share them with you...

Imagine with me, for a moment, what it felt like for Mary (mother of Jesus) to witness Jesus' death. But before we go there, let's think about her relationship with Him from the beginning. She knew for sure, 100%, that He was the Messiah. There was no other explanation for how He came into this world. She knew she was a virgin, more so than anyone else knew. She saw and heard the angel tell her what was going to happen. She believed, completely, whole-heartedly that Jesus was the Son of God. She saw Him every day. She knew Him. Imagine how her heart went out to Him while raising Him. I'm so in love with my son, Kai, who sins daily. His sin doesn't make me love him any less, but can you imagine what it must have felt like to nurture and love on a perfect being?! I'm sure it was pure bliss.

Mary knew Jesus came to earth to save and restore us back to God. She knew He was King. Imagine how horrible it was for her to watch people spit, hit, whip, shove, ridicule and torture her Son. Anger. Rage. Confusion. Absolute brokenness. Wanting to stop it and protect Him, but not being able to do anything, only watch and cry. Grief.

And then, imagine that moment when she realized that her sin also nailed Him to that cross. She had a part in putting Him there. He was taking her sin upon Himself, and dying, so she didn't have to! I can not imagine how awful and gut-wrenching that was for Mary to endure. A sword piercing her heart.

Praise God it only had to happen once! Praise God that Jesus took our sin and made us His righteousness instead! Praise God that Jesus rose from the grave and conquered death! Praise God for the story of Redemption, for Jesus! Praise God!

Take My Hand

"Here's what I'm gonna do with Gomer, your cheating wife.

I'm going to take her out to the desert. I'm going to allure her,

and out there she's finally going to get tired of herself.

And there I will speak tenderly to her...

And out there, out where it's dry,

she'll finally learn to quit calling me master and start calling me husband."

(Hosea, paraphrased by Matt Chandler)

I think God has ordained the desert for me, for a period of time, this period of time. I don't think it's sin or disobedience that brings me to this place. I think God has called me there to make me realize some sin deep, deep in my heart. It's in the desert that I'll learn to get tired of myself. I'll learn to stop fighting God. I'll learn to stop doubting His provision and love. I'll learn to let go of earthly things and earthly thinking. I'll learn to stop calling Him master and start calling Him husband. This desert will be good for me. God will grow me in ways I didn't know I needed to be grown. He will change me, and for that, I thank Him and praise Him.

Keira Jade

Her little face makes me smile.

Life lately

Mikaela growing up WAY too fast!

Keira growing up EVEN faster!

She's definitely "too cool".

Reading.

First date with Daddy.
They saw the movie "Up" and loved it!

So, we have moved and are getting settled in Pearland, Texas (right outside of Houston). It's been a weird journey. We've realized we don't like being far away from family and friends. I feel kinda lost here. I like the city, but my heart aches for the familiar. I know this is going to be a hard, yet amazing year for us as we learn how to church plant. I'm excited and nervous and kind of naive about it all. Right now, as we wait for the rest of the team to join us, we're getting to know the Pearland-ers. We're learning about the city and meeting people everywhere we go... at least that's what we're suppose to be doing :) Fortunately, we have an AWESOME park right across the street from our neighborhood with a walking trail, playground, and splash pad. I've been able to meet moms there and on our cul-de-sac. But meeting people and asking them to hang out is hard for me! So, please pray for courage :)

A Wrong Turn Can Hurt

Four different Jehovah Witness couples came to my door within two weeks of each other before the thought even crossed my mind that maybe God was up to something AND that I should be ready and open to it too. The main person that kept knocking at my door to drop of pamphlet after pamphlet was an older lady named Bobbie. For some reason (God) my heart softened towards her and I forgot all the inconveniences that had come when she knocked at my door that one particular afternoon. We talked briefly, as I was trying to keep Keira from shooting out the open door :) I told Bobbie I was a Christian, believed in Jesus, you know, the Gospel. She nodded, smiled, and asked if I were willing to do a study about "what the Bible really teaches." Hmmm, I thought, this could be fun. Well, it hasn't been fun. It's been frustrating to say the least. But I have come to really, genuinely care about Bobbie. I could write tons and tons of posts about her beliefs vs. the Bible, but that's not where I'm going at this point in our journey. Maybe another day. I do want to say their beliefs are twisted. They take verses out of context left and right and then try to explain them through the eyes of man. Sure, it may SOUND logical, yet it's not Truth. It's far from it. It's scary-far them it. We're going through a little Jehovah Witness book and haven't really gotten that deep despite the fact that we've been meeting for months now. I feel like I'm in an unique situation because in Bobbie's eyes I'm the student. I get to ask the hard questions because that is what's expected of me. Kinda a cool situation. Anyways, things were going... not amazing well, yet not bad either. Then out of the blue Bobbie stopped coming over. This happened to be during Christmas, so I thought she was busy or something, even though she doesn't celebrate this particular holiday. More weeks passed and I started freaking out a little because she is older and mentioned health problems. I thought maybe she died, which would make this possibly the worst blog post ever because we all know exactly where people who don't believe in Jesus (as God and Savior) go....
Well, she came back to my door not too long ago alive (praise God!), but in horrible pain. She was diagnosed with Krome's disease AND needed surgery on her rotary cuff from abuse years ago.

Sometime during our "break" my focus shifted. I began to think that if I gather enough knowledge and present the gospel (again) well enough and clear enough that she would believe AND then I could prove to MYSELF that I would and could be a good pastor's wife*. YIKES!!! Did those thoughts really come from my head?! When did this become so ME-centered, so selfish? I firmly believe God made Bobbie and I take a break until my attitude drastically changed and became Christ-like again. I can do NOTHING and I mean NOTHING on my own. I can NEVER become "good" enough. Never, ever, ever! I can never make someone believe in Jesus by persuading them or presenting great information. Only God calls them into a love relationship with Himself. I have no part in it, other than maybe moving my lips up and down so God can speak through me. This isn't about me. This isn't even about Bobbie. The ONLY reason we're meeting is because I love Jesus. Period. Man, God spoke a lot of hard truth into my head (through Kevin) that made me sit down, examine and re-examine my heart, and finally repent.

I thank and praise God for not giving up on me or taking away this opportunity when my attitude became sinful. I'm excited to see what God is up to in both my life and Bobbie's life :)

*For those of you who aren't up to speed... we are headed to Australia (with a small team) to church plant in hopefully September 2010! We plan to be there for about 5 years or how ever long it takes to get a "church" up and running and leaders trained... and then we'll move somewhere else and do the same thing... over and over again... for Lord-willing our whole lives :)

Diggin Deep

Sometimes I feel like I'm about to burst. So many thoughts floating in my head. Most of them seem like incomplete thoughts. So much to say, yet the words seem stuck in my throat. This happens when I don't journal regularly. And when I don't journal regularly that usually means I'm not spending an adequate time with God. Sure, I pray throughout the day, but my knees haven't hit the floor in awhile. I'm also reading my Bible, but I'm not devoting much time to study. I can easily use the excuse of motherhood zapping my time and energy, but truth be told, I have time and I have energy. I just use my time poorly. I'm writing this for some accountability. I have got to become totally and completely and wholeheartedly consumed with God. I've got to stop loving my sleep more than God. I've got to stop loving facebook and blog-reading more than God. I've got to stop loving books more than God. It's time to wake up, refocus, and dig deep. I invite you, beg you, to ask me regularly how I'm doing with God. Come on, let's get our act together and love our God well!

Oh no!

Hi. I think I'm going a little stir crazy. The girls have been sick, so we've been staying home as much as possible, and my adult time has been pretty much non-existent. Plus, Kevin has been working some doubles and studying for finals and preparing his talk for the Men's Retreat this weekend. I was looking forward to going to HEB this morning JUST so I could walk by some people and smile at a few :)

We went to the doctor yesterday. Keira just has a cold. Mikaela probably has one too, but that's the least of our concerns right now. Her breathing problems have come back. This time the doctor thinks it's asthma revealing its ugly head. She's back on breathing treatments (the inhaler with the face mask thingy) four times a day until her cough loosens up. She's also on prednisone and amoxicilion (not sure about the spelling, sorry).

Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about all of this. Ultimately I trust God. I really do. I know nothing can happen to her without His okay. I also know what symptoms to look out for and how to somewhat treat them. Yet, I fear things getting out of my control and not knowing what to do, especially when Kevin's not home. I'm also wondering what else... if there's anything else... is wrong with her little body. And how bad are things going to get for her? How severe will the asthma be? What else will she have to stay away from? She already has to stay away from eggs (and anything made with them, like cookies, cake, etc.), peanuts, dogs and cats. How difficult is life going to be for her? Is all of this a result of something I did or didn't do while pregnant with her? How am I going to be okay/not freak out when we send her off to school or a friends house by herself... without being there to watch EVERYTHING she eats and listen to her breathing?! I guess I'll get stronger when that time comes. In the mean time I should probably pray for the type of mindset that can readily let go and trust, trust, trust God all the time! I don't want to be anxious. Please pray for me. Pray for Mikaela.