Why is it that you can clearly see God at work in the lives of those around you, yet have a hard time pinpointing what He's doing in your own life? Why can life seem so cloudy or distracting? It's like a shaken up jar that should be clear, but it's muddy instead. My insides feel muddy.
I've come to realize how much of my identity and self-worth come from the approval of others through my involvement in ministry. Since stepping out of youth work and into the big city of Austin, everything within has been jarred. Doubts spin around in my mind. I question whether or not we made a mistake moving to Austin... maybe we misunderstood God? Maybe I don't really know when God's speaking to me rather than me speaking to me. Maybe I'm not as close to God as I thought. OR maybe I've let emotions rule my mind instead of God's Truth. Why is it so hard to take every thought captive... and actually filter out the thoughts that aren't from God?
This has been a good time of soul-searching... hard and lonely... yet good. I'm at a resting point in my journey with my King. I have finally been able to stop performing for others, because I have no audience here in Austin. I feel free to be me. I long to be more vulnerable and share my heart without fear of ridicule or judgement or disappointment. The only bad thing is I don't really know how to open up. I guess writing this is my first step.
God has been reminding me to find ALL of my worth from Him... alone... not what I do or say... but from my relationship with Him... period. He doesn't love me any more because of what I do. I'm already approved in His eyes and that's all that really matters. I desperately want to stop living with fear... in a bubble... to get the approval of my brothers and sisters in Christ. It doesn't matter what other people think! "Be the Orange!" was our saying with the 5th and 6th grade. It means to be different with a purpose. It's time for me to let go and pull down the screen that has been hidding my real heart. It's time to be free, well, to be me!
3 comments:
Have you guys read the book "Hiding from Love"? It's by Dr. John? Townsend. I am reading it now. My sister bought it for me after it altered her life. It's a great book. I've been out of the "how-to" Christian books for a while b/c personally, i think a lot of them are people making principles out of their own experiences instead of letting God work differently in each of our lives. But anyway, this book has been good. I don't know you as well, Kevin, but I know Laura's personality and I think she would get a lot out of it. There's a workbook that goes with it too.
Love,
mary
Love ya girl!
I think that you have already taken a couple of steps towards opening up. I see the first as wanting to open up. Second forming the thoughts. Third first faze of expression, writing them down.
I know that this has been hard on you, but I am REALLY glad to see that you are allowing God to use this circumstance in your spiritual life. Praying for you girl!
Wow Laura! Thank you for sharing your heart! I have been struggling with a lot of the same issues lately. It's nice to know others go through the same things. I'll be praying for you.
Rach
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